My Thoughts...One Year Later

Wow! I can't believe how time flies. The past year has gone so quickly. It's hard to think of myself one year ago and think that we are the same person. I think challenges in life change you so much that yes, although I am that same person I feel like I have learned and grown so much that maybe that girl that walked into a German hospital one year ago walked out a different person. Having Berlyn changed me in so many ways for the better. I have learned that even though life throws a few curve balls we can decide how we are going to take them and what our attitude will be. My choice is to love and take care of this little girl to the best of my abilities, and yes she may take longer to do certain things, but I am ok with that.

Often people ask me, "Oh she is one year!! Is she walking?" To which I reply, "No but she will eventually."  Then they usually ask "Is she crawling?" And I say, "Nope not yet, but she will." We don't know when but SHE WILL. That is all that matters. I long for the day that she will look into my face and call me "Mama." She hasn't yet, but SHE WILL. Nick and I will sit in the living room at night and say "Berlyn, this is Mama. Berlyn this is Daddy." I can't wait for the day to hear those words. So I am learning to be patient. It is hard and I wish so badly that I could just show her and she would do it. But it hastn't happened yet. She will do things in her own time. I am so glad that the Lord and Berlyn chose our family to take care of her. We will learn along with her and that is OK.

I finally went back to the hospital where she was born. After the two weeks in the NICU and Avree having a concussion shortly after Berlyn came home. I swore I would never go back again. I didn't even go to my 6 week checkup because I couldn't bear the thought of going back. Our friends little boy is in the same hospital and so we went to visit them this week. Just the smell of the place brought so many emotions back. I thought I would break down but I didn't and I just had this calm feeling that everything is the way it should be and life is GOOD!

I have my bad days of course. The days when I wonder 'is that person staring at her because she is cute, or are they staring because she has Down Syndrome.' Or the days when I think that she is never going to hit her next milestone. Being around babies that are her age or younger and seeing that they are crawling, walking, etc. I catch myself comparing her to them and I shouldn't, but as a mom I think you can't help it. You always want your child to be doing things at the same time as their peers. But I just try to tell myself that I will just get to enjoy each stage a little longer. And I am enjoying her so much. So why not wait a little longer, right!

So...Berlyn is sitting up on her own. She lays on her stomach and will turn in circles to grab at toys. She pushes up and does her 'seal stretch' ( puts her head all the way back almost touching her back) a lot. She will try to scoot on her belly and we are working at kneeling and pushing up at the same time. She doesn't care for this too much. Which is why crawling may be a ways off. She also doesn't like to put much weight on her legs. So we got her a walker for her birthday and she does like the jumperoo. Hopefully that will get her used to putting weight on her legs a bit more. So walking may take a bit longer too.

Avree started school this week. And Kason starts next week. I now have a third grader, and a Kindergartener. Which makes me feel really old! We have also started soccer again and gymnastics will start in a few weeks. So life has gotten crazy, but that's how we like it RIGHT!!

I will have to add pics later! My computer is being so SLOW!!

Our Miracle

A lot has happened since my last post. I feel like I need to update everyone. We went home for the holidays and it was such a wonderful time. We visited family, went to parties, ate at all the wonderful places we had been missing, went to Temple Square to see the lights, visited City Creek Mall, ran into L. Tom Perry, etc. etc. etc. But the most important thing we did over the holiays was visit Primary Childrens Medical Center.

We knew that we wanted to see an Infant Cardiologist while visiting the states. I had researched all of them in Germany and made the appointment to see Dr. Cowley. Berlyn had not had an Echochardiogram since she was in the NICU and we were very curious to see what her heart looked like. I was nervous. Very nervous. We knew that one of the holes in her heart would probably close on it's own, but the doctors here in Germany had said that the other one was so big that it would most likely require surgery. I wasn't looking forward to my tiny baby having open heart surgery, but wanted to know either way. We had a consult and they said we would need to come back for the Echo the next friday. We were going to be staying over at Little America anyway so it all worked out and we headed to Salt Lake to enjoy the lights at Temple Square and eating at Spaghetti Factory with my family. It was such a fun night but the fun was definetley foreshadowed by the tests the next day. We got up early and headed to PCMC with Berlyn. They would have to sedate her for the Echo and so we got her ready. The anethesiologist came in to give her the IV and the sedation drugs pretty quickly. They asked us if we would like to stay with her for the whole thing. Of course I wanted to but as the medicine started working and my baby suddenly went limp in my arms I knew that I was going to have to leave. I wasn't expecting being so emotional through it all but I could not keep my tears in check. We went to the lobby to walk around and wait for the test to be done. I tried to keep my mind occupied, but time couldn't go fast enough. We waited and checked the clock about 500 times. And as soon as the minutes were up we headed back to see Berlyn. She was still sleeping and they wheeled her upstairs into recovery. We waited for the medicine to wear off and finally she started to wake up. She ate pretty quickly after that and they were able to release us. We were sent back downstairs to the waiting room to get the results of the Echo. 

More waiting...I was so nervous and just wanted to know what they had found. Dr. Cowley didn't keep us in suspense too long though. He came into the waiting room only about 15 minutes later. He seemed happy and pulled up a chair right there. I figured the results must be good or he wouldn't be giving us them in the waiting room. He started to talk about Berlyn's heart and his words were kind of a blur until he came to "everything I see leads me to believe that Berlyn's heart is that of  a healthy baby girl. I cannot find ANY holes at all!" I cried tears of joy then. And felt such a relief. We had asked our Heavenly Father for one miracle and we had been given it!! Our little girl would not have to go through surgery and endure any more pains. We had been blessed once again. I felt such appreciation and love for my husband and his insight and preisthood. He had given Berlyn a very heartfelt blessing while she was still only a few days old. He was alone with her one day and just decided that he needed to give her a blessing. He asked that the Lord would heal her heart and if we could just have this one thing. I am so glad that he did. I know that the Lord heard his blessing and helped us because of it. And we now have a beautiful, healthy, baby girl because of it. We are so very blessed. I feel that everyday.

We got to go and tell our families next  which was so fun. They all cried tears of joy as we told them and said that they were so happy for us. It was truly our Christmas miracle!!